October 17, 2019
"You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves."
from "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver, published in 1986
My husband and I had some miscommunication over what he meant when he said I'd been pushing myself hard (the opposite of being gentle on yourself). I thought he was referring to the past four months of working out and found myself wondering how supportive of it he really was. But no, he was only referring to the two fitness classes I took that each resulted in my being practically dead to the world for the next 48 hours and significantly fatigued for at least three days. Imagine. Using three days' worth of energy in one hour. Because I could get through the class ok, with modifications. But three days of recovery is excessive. It means that a one hour fitness class is not being gentle on myself. My 30 minute exercise videos, yes. I can still function and have normal days with them. I can't with that class.
It was frustrating hitting that wall, learning that boundary of my body that I didn't know was there. I'm in arguably the best shape of my life - muscle tone and definition, it's all there. And I can get through a class! And enjoyed it! But at a high price. Another betrayal of my body. Another boundary line in the exile country of rheumatoid arthritis.
My sermon on Sunday (Oct 15 - https://pastoraheather.blogspot.com/2019/10/no-going-back.html ) hit home for me, more than usual. There's no going back to life before RA, no matter how well I manage my symptoms, no matter how well I adapt to my limits, no matter how physically fit I am. There is only going forward. Settle down and build houses (Jeremiah 29:5). In the well-being of your place of exile, you will find your well-being (Jeremiah 29:7). Life is permanently changed. I knew this, I've known this for 13 years. I thought I could still do this one normal thing of an exercise class, with modifications. It turns out my exercising is far more irrevocably changed than I had realized.
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