Monday, October 24, 2016

Pheelin’ the love for the Pharisee

23rd Sunday after Pentecost
October 23, 2016
Luke 18:9-14


            There are a few things I’ve learned about myself as a parent that I didn’t know before. The first time I thought, “oh great, I’m going to be one of those parents,” was the first time I left Isabel to go to church by myself. She was about 3 months old. I had returned from maternity leave, but was bringing her with me to the church office every day. Then there was one day when it really wouldn’t have worked well for her to be there and so I arranged with my mom for her to keep Isabel for the day. As I drove away from my house, leaving my first baby behind for the first time, I was in tears. Apparently, I’m one of those parents who cry when they leave their child for the first time. And, apparently, I’m one of those parents who buy and read books on parenting. The last one I picked up came out earlier this year and is called “Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.” The author, Dr. Michele Borba, is an educational psychologist who’s often called in as the child expert or parenting expert on shows like Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, as well as on the nightly news. She begins by talking about how teens today are 40% less empathetic than those of 30 years ago, and combined with today’s culture of self-absorption and all-about-me, it creates a population of kids who can’t relate well to others. Working well with others, as you know, is key to being a contributing member of society as an adult.
            Our Gospel lesson this morning was a story that Jesus told “to certain people who had convinced themselves that they were righteous and who looked on everyone else with disgust.”[1] This is a group who is self-righteous, who has justified everything they do in their own eyes, who can’t do any wrong, as far as they’re concerned. More than that, they look down on everyone else. You know, “I’m right, and y’all are wrong.” Or, “my way or the highway.” Or, simply, people who think they’re better than everyone else. To them, Jesus tells this parable about two people praying, a Pharisee and a tax collector. The Pharisee prays loudly and prays about himself so that everyone can hear him and know what good things he’s done. It’s kind of like a passive-aggressive way to brag. You don’t directly tell people all the good stuff you’ve done; you tell God and make sure other people overhear you. Then there’s the tax collector. He stands apart, by himself, and doesn’t even look up to heaven. He’s probably half-mumbling, half-whispering the words, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Jesus says the tax collector was the one who went home right with God, not the Pharisee.
            I started off thinking that the Pharisee was a good example of this self-absorption and selfie culture we live in. You know, focus on me, look at me, look at how good I am and all the good things I do. Yet the more I read this parenting book about teaching kids empathy in order to combat the selfies, the more I felt empathy toward the Pharisee. Why was he praying so that everyone could hear him? Why was he boasting of his good works? Why did he feel he had to point out to God that he was better than other sinners, or at least committed more minor sins than other people? Did he not get enough validation of his good deeds at home? Did people not thank him enough for his charitable contributions? Did he think God didn’t notice what he was doing? Did he just want someone to notice him, even if it was negative attention? Did he just want someone to listen?
            At Charge Conference this past week, our District Superintendent, Rev. DeLong, talked about listening and how a lot of people just want someone to listen to them. They don’t want us to fix their problems; they want us to listen to their problems. When we’re absorbed in ourselves and our own problems, we don’t spend a lot of time and energy listening to others’ problems. When each of us is focused on ourselves, we’re not listening to each other. Who listens to you? Your spouse? A friend? A bartender? When was the last time you felt really listened to? And how do you try to be heard?
            The Pharisee, obviously, went about it in the wrong way. He didn’t sit down over coffee with his rabbi or call up a good friend. He didn’t tell his wife. Instead, he’s out in the public square, where everyone can hear him, and he wants everyone to hear him. He wants some public affirmation that he is a good person. He wants someone… to listen to him. And so we hear his story. He thinks he’s not like everyone else; he thinks he’s exceptional. He’d probably be the first to say he’s not perfect, but he doesn’t think he’s as bad as other people. He doesn’t have a criminal record, he’s not a thief, and he doesn’t cheat on his wife. He regularly fasts and tithes. He thinks he does pretty good, and he wants someone to notice and appreciate it. He’s a good Pharisee. Yet… that doesn’t make him right with God.
            It’s very tempting to start judging the Pharisee. Pharisees were the group that were very strict about keeping to the letter of the law, all of the laws. It’s easy to point out that the law doesn’t say don’t cheat on your wife, it says love and honor her. One of the ten commandments does say don’t steal, but another one says don’t even covet, don’t want what isn’t yours. It’s easy to pick apart what’s wrong with this picture. And yet, there he is, praying loudly in front of the temple, wanting to be heard. So, today, instead of sitting in judgment on him, let’s validate and affirm what he does right.
            Let’s start with those spiritual disciplines. Pharisees were a very disciplined sect. They were very good at self-control, which is one of the fruits of the Spirit, by the way. You have to be self-disciplined in order to do something like fast. You have to be able to control your impulses and wait for delayed gratification when you go all day without eating on purpose. That really is impressive. Then the other spiritual discipline the Pharisee tells everyone about is that he tithes, he gives ten percent. Again, generosity is another of the fruits of the Spirit. He gives away a tenth of everything he receives. Not many of us Christians even do that. Personally, I think the church would be in a much better shape if everyone was generous and self-disciplined with their time, talent, and treasure. But generosity and self-control and all spiritual disciplines have to be cultivated and nurtured and practiced. And the Pharisee does that. He spends his time and his energy on things that are supposed to draw him closer to God. That is always to be commended.
            Yet, he seems to be looking for public affirmation and approval and that’s not how spiritual disciplines work. Many spiritual disciplines no one knows you’re doing; they just see the side effects of a person who is freer with their love and their belongings. You see, I think the Pharisee is doing the right things for the wrong reasons. I think he’s so caught up in following the law of Moses so precisely that he’s missing the spirit of the law, which involves care for the widow and the orphan, the lonely and the outcast. He’s missing the love, and so he’s looking for it in the public square. He’s crying out for someone to hear him, for someone to validate and affirm that yes, he’s doing everything right. Yet he’s doing it by exalting himself and belittling others. “I thank you, God, that I’m not like everyone else.” What kind of prayer is that? He wants everyone to know that he thinks he’s exceptional, that his sins aren’t as bad as others. The Catholic Church has a hierarchy of sins, mortal sins, which condemn you to hell if they stay unforgiven, and then venial sins, or lesser sins, which hurt your relationship with God but can’t break it. However, the bible says “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”[2]; it doesn’t say that some fall less short than others. It doesn’t say that there is a way to not be under judgment, which I think is what this Pharisee is after. I think he wants his good works and keeping God’s law to save him, yet that’s not how it works.  None of us are exceptional. None of us are exempt from judgment.
            So, after you’ve listened to people like the Pharisee, after you’ve really heard them (and that judgment comes from the person, not from you; it’s not that you feel like you heard them but that they feel listened to), then you can respond as appropriate. They may need a hug, they may need cheering up, they may need reassurance that they are, in fact, doing everything right. Jesus said, “the tax collector, and not the Pharisee, was in the right with God when he went home.” So, what did the Pharisee need when he went home? How could the Pharisee have made himself right with God? Jesus tells the parable basically to tell us to be like the tax collector and not like the Pharisee, but I think we all know people like the Pharisee, if not even identify with him ourselves. Jesus wouldn’t tell us to be the tax collector if we weren’t already the Pharisee. Was the Pharisee’s sin that he was proud? Did he have self-esteem issues? Did he just need someone to listen to him?? Someone, not to sympathize, but to empathize with him? Sympathy is feeling for another person; empathy is feeling with them.
            I’m reading another book, not a parenting one, called “It’s Not Fair” by Melanie Dale. She has a whole chapter on 100 things you can do to help someone who’s hurting. A lot of times we say or do the wrong thing. We think we’ve listened, but our friend doesn’t feel listened to. We say or do something stupid. Or we haven’t said or done anything at all, because we just don’t know what to say or do. You know, what do you say after you’ve just heard that Pharisee’s public confession? He thinks he’s better than everyone else. Unless he thinks you’re exceptional, too, he might not listen to you.  So, my challenge to you this week is to make the time and space to really listen to someone. Listen to them. Show God’s love to them just by listening; nothing more. And if you need listening to, figure out how you can make that happen and who you need to call to listen to you.
Let us pray…



[1] Luke 18:9, CEB
[2] Romans 3:23

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